It started with a crush.

We have all had our elementary school crushes... The cute kid you get little butterflies in your tummy when he walks by or by some chance glances at you during recess kickball. The only person's signature you really look forward to in your yearbook and hope they add a smiley face or even a heart. It was 5th grade... I was the biggest tomboy, I wore my brothers clothes and beat all the guys in kickball. He was one of my closest friends, but he made me feel like a girly girl when I saw him. He made me want to check my hair and make sure I didn't look too bad. I never did anything about it. I silently gawked after him for about a year. In 6th grade I started texting him from my best friends phone, I didn't have a phone yet. He was what you would call the typical little player. One day he was texting me while i was at my friends house and he asked me out. I felt incredible. I liked him so much. It was only the immature adorable puppy love... Everyone said we were so cute together. My dad has always been very strict about boyfriends so I kept it a secret from my parents. That was no big deal since I wasn't even close to the physical stuff yet I mean I would just sweat at the thought of holding his hand!! We would only see each other at school and school events. And the occasional Friday night skating rink. I hugged him for the first time at the skating rink when he won me a teddy bear in the claw machine... And I was left speechless after even hugging him. The butterflies in my tummy fluttered like crazy. I believe it was like our two month anniversary, he got me a necklace. That necklace felt like a million bucks to me even if he only spent ten bucks on it. We had our first break up over something completely dumb, I don't even remember what it was about, but my heart dropped when he dumped me. I went in my room and cried and cried. But my tears were more out of rage and I ripped that teddy bear into shreds with my bare hands. The next time I saw him I walked up to him in the school hallway and gave him back his necklace. I couldn't even look him in the eye. I couldn't... I was so vulnerable to those eyes. I thought I had a broken heart then but i had no idea what was ahead of me.

Back to the beginning.

I thought I've had it tough before recent events... Which I did. But nothing is near as rough as what I'm going through now. To give you an easier understanding of my pain, I'm going to start from the beginning. Not the out-of-my-momma's-tummy beginning... The when-the-pain-started beginning. I guess I should reveal my age... I'm only 14 years old and I'm coming to the end of my 8th grade year. I know some people reading his are gonna stop now knowing I'm only a teenager but STOP right there and read my story, I know what I'm talking about. I've been through alot and I mean it when I say a lot. Not just high school drama I mean love, loss, abandonment, darkness, pain, anything life could possibly throw at me... It has. So to understand my pain I must begin with my past happiness when I believed things started getting good. My next blog will begin my stories leading up to my now official heartbreak.

A piece of my story.

I hope someday he realizes no one will ever love him the way I do. The day he looks for love instead of lust, He will be looking for me. Until that day I will cleanse my soul with my tears. Tears he caused and tears only he can prevent. I don't know what's easier to wrap my mind around- the fact he wasn't strong enough to hold on when things became rough, or I wasn't worth the fight. Should I regret the past 6 months of our so called "love" , or should I just be thankful of all of the memories I will carry with me forever? Forever...? That's a funny word. He promised me forever... I was dumb to believe him. That was just one of the many promises he made and broke. Promises are only lies. I expect the lowest from people these days, that way i can't be caused more pain if they somehow let me down. Which almost always happens. I also don't have hopes he will come back, or for anything, because if you hope that's another doorway for pain and disappointment. Also, if you have no hopes and somehow, magically, someone does something unexpected and wonderful it will bring a smile. A real smile. Ughhh I loved love once... Now I hate it for shattering my heart. I'm too young to have this heart ache, To feel this emptiness inside me from all those memories and smiles and kisses... Ohh the kisses! My lips feel a longing for him, the comfort, the warmth, the passion, the love. Well that's what it was to me. He should win a Grammy for all the acts he pulled, making it seem he felt something in those kisses too. My heart strains and aches for him. I have a picture of me wearing his favorite hoodie, ohh how his hoodie can just make you feel so warm. But now no other hoodie can compare. That picture, of me in his hoodie, yeahh I sometimes just look at, remembering the smell. Nothing can compare to that smell, I have no idea how to explain it. If I close my eyes I can still smell it, and remember his scent when I'm in his arms. Or the sweet, sensational taste of his lips. Funny how he told me he hated seeing me hurt... Then he turns around and hurts me. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed. I feel abandoned. I want to wait for him... But if he loved me like he said he did would he have ever left? I DON'T KNOW! I don't know the answers to anything anymore. Why me? I'm only still a teenager and I know he was the one I wanted to be with forever. There I go using the word forever again... I used to imagine ten years from now or even twenty and so on, being with him. I could see myself marrying him, even fathering my children someday. I don't want to move on. I can't... Love can do some crazy things to someone.